I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i came on her dog
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
