Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
