His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
