Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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