But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
