Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize