At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
