this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
