Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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