Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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