we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
