Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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