i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
