i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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