just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
