Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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