remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize