My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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