i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
