I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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