things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
