Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had to cum in my sink.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
