My Higher Power is John Stamos
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
