Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
