I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
