I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Are we still banned from the library?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
