it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
