Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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