I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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