She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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