so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
