She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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