does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
