remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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