I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
