I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
