you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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