I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
