I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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