He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
