I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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