my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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