btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
