I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
