I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
