My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
