I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
