I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
