I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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