dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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