Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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