Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
