so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
